Losing a Piece of My Heart

I remember this day last year so vividly. Not even like it was yesterday, but as if it were happening right now all over again. I remember my husband waking me up and feeling like I was dreaming because he should have been at work. Soon as he spoke I went from dreaming to nightmare. All he said as he choked on tears was "Your dad passed away". Those words felt like someone was trying to rip my heart out. Then I felt as though all of the air had been knocked out of me and I know that was one of the hardest things my husband ever had to do. 

There's no true way to describe it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Feeling as though I was in a haze I picked up my phone and I text a good friend of mine who I happen to work with. Still not sure why I did that. Not that it was weird that I would tell her or anything, but maybe I needed to say it, but without saying it out loud you know to see if it was real. It still didn't feel real. She frantically text me back and all I could say was I don't know. I then called my best friend. Someone who I've been friends with since I was 5 years old, my soul sister someone who knew my family as well as her own. Again all I could say was I don't know. She was as stunned as I was. I told her I would keep her posted and hung up. I kept calling my mom, but she wouldn't answer. I was getting angry. Finally someone picked up. I heard my brothers voice and I lost it. 

I think it was too much for my mom to even tell my sister and she just couldn't say the words again to her other children. My brothers girlfriend broke the news to him as my husband did to me. After I hung up with my brother I screamed out loud. Just a scream. Then I fell into my husbands arms and sobbed for what felt like hours, but was actually only minutes. I had to get dressed. I had to get to my moms house. The whole half an hour ride to my moms I was still feeling numb. I just stared out the window into the cold gray sky and thinking how fitting that sky was. That car ride felt like hours. I walked into my moms and she was right at the door. She hugged me and through so many tears she said she was sorry, but I couldn't allow myself to feel. Not now. I don't want to feel this. Stay numb I thought to myself. I now understand why our bodies go into shock first.

That day was long. The longest day I have ever endured. When I say that day felt like it took weeks to get through I am not exaggerating. On our way home that night I listened to a voicemail that was still on my phone from my dad. I completely flipped out. The rest of the ride home my husband listened to me sob loudly and uncontrollably. I'm pretty sure I was yelling too. I know that was extremely hard for him, but he let me do what I had to do. No judgements. I was a complete mess, but he didn't judge me. Through all of this he just continues to love me. I am so thankful for him. He is my rock and a huge part of why I was able to get through this year. There are no amount of words for how much I love him and how lucky I am to have him.

Now my dad was living in Ohio when he passed away. He had moved there in 2012 when the company he worked for transferred him there because they left our area. My mother and father separated when I was 17 and later divorced. I honestly think it's what helped them to remain somewhat close ever since. They honestly cared about each other and loved each other. I think they just knew they weren't the best together. It was nice for my siblings and I that we could do things together. I know it seems strange to some because that's usually not the case with divorced couples. We were lucky. I know this year has been incredibly hard on her as well.

When my parents found out they were expecting me my dad bought a giant stuffed teddy bear for me that naturally I named big bear. He was currently in a storage container on our porch. When we finally got home I stomped onto that porch, swiped my hand across the top of the container sending a glass candler holder and other items crashing to the floor, I grabbed my stuffed animal and stormed into the house. I felt like it was the only part of him that I had left. My husband sweetly suggested that I wash it immediately. It was kinda musty from being stored away all these years. I washed it then went to bed. The day from Hell was over.

The next day and days to come I cried ALL of the time. I had heard my mom once say that emotional exhaustion far outweighs physical exhaustion and she couldn't have been more right about that. I'm grateful for my family and friends that have been there through the hardest time of my families life . Grief is not something you get over and there is no finish line. It is something you are left with and you just ride the waves. Some days the waters are calm and other days the waves come crashing and you feel like you're drowning. All you can do is hold on. I am telling you from experience the storm will pass even if only for a short time. They say you have to endure the rain in order to enjoy the rainbow. I know that sounds strange to think of happiness after a loss like that, but no matter how much you try to avoid it, life does go on and you have to go on too. Somewhere in between the shock, anger, sadness, endless grieving and all of the tears; there will be happiness again. It may never feel the same again, but it will come again. 

My dad passed away March 5th 2015 suddenly from natural causes. He was 50 years old and his
body just gave out from a lifetime of unhealthy choices. He had heart problems among other health
issues and that ultimately led to his passing at such an early age. My dad had come up to visit the 

January before he passed away. I told him all about my husband and I going Vegan and he was so
happy for us. He said I never looked healthier or happier. He was very interested in learning all about

what being Vegan meant. As we talked he kept saying I want to be Vegan. Sadly my dad passed before he could give Veganism a try. I truly believe he was sincere in wanting to try it out. He knew he needed to do something about his health. My brother and his girlfriend had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl in August. She was my dads first grandchild and I know my dad wanted to be around for her and of course for us. This past year has been a lot. Emotionally and physically draining. I've had good days. I've had bad days and I've had days that I could hardly bare. It's such a strange feeling to lose someone who helped to give you life. I'm learning through this journey that losing someone you love isn't the hardest part. It's living without them.

At first I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this on my blog, but my blog is about my life as well as being a Vegan. There was no way I could just act as though everything is perfect especially on this day. This day honestly sucks. I could not go through today and not acknowledge my dad. I also felt that leaving this out would be hiding a part of myself and I don't want to do that. I am not looking for sympathy I just wanted to be sincere about who I am and my life. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost someone they love.

My dad, my mom and I. Circa 1986. 

My husband(when he was just my boyfriend), my dad and I at my best friends wedding August 14, 2010

My brother, my brothers girlfriend and my dad. New Years Eve 2011

My guys. My husband, my brother and my dad on my wedding day. July 20, 2012. 

Father Daughter Dance at my wedding. I found an acoustic version of Sweet Child of Mine by Guns and Roses. It was always his song to me. 

My sisters graduation day 2013. My brother, myself, my sister (I'm sure the cap and gown gives that away) and my dad. 

My dad and my niece. This was on my dads trip to see my niece after she was born. 

This photo of my dad and I was taken in January 2014 the day he arrived in New York. This would be his last visit.

This photo was taken the last time I would ever see my dad, hug him and tell him I love him. My husband just happened to run into him at our local supermarket a few days before hand. He told him when I was off.
He came to my house on a snowy Tuesday and surprised me. If my husband hadn't told him when I was off then I would never have had this last day with him. I am forever grateful for that day.

Rest in Paradise Dad. You are loved beyond words and missed every single day,  the day you left you took a piece of us with you. ❤️  September 1,1964-March 5, 2015.